Sunday, 11 December 2011

A date with a sperm banking video

Welcome to yet another site dedicated to crazy, funny and rude stories, pictures and videos. Except this one will be much, much better than every other one you've ever seen and ever likely to see. Why? Because there will be nothing held back: no censorship, no rating system, no self-respect. If it's funny, rude or crazy, it's in and that's that. So sit back and enjoy the ride:-)

First, a true story from the writer:

Earlier this year I had to make a sizeable deposit in a sperm bank. Ever wondered what this experience is like? Well, I can assure you it's not a huge amount of fun. For starters I was under a fair bit of pressure. I was going to have medical treatment that would possibly make me sterile, so actually it was quite a serious matter. That didn't stop me finding the comedy in the situation though. I've always been known as someone that worries too much about what others think. But I reached a new level in my decision to hold back from ejaculating for a week before my first deposit just in case someone in a lab would be left thinking 'hmmm, not much in this pot'. I Knew I wouldn't have to sit there and hand it over in person, but I still didn't like the idea of having someone judge me on quantity. So by the time I got to the unit I was raring to go. As I arrived at the reception, a new problem dawned on me: 'how long should I stay in the room?'. After a week of no action, I was really up for it, but thought it wouldn't look good to be in and out in 3 minutes. But then 30 minutes would be equally suspicious that I was actually enjoying myself in there. That wouldn't be cool. So I settled on 10 minutes. Easier said than done though. My advice to any newcomers to this is to bring your own entertainment. There was a dvd player with about half a dozen dvds that looked like they came free with a cheap newspaper. And 2 magazines that I was terrified to touch. Then it dawned on me as clean is this room? There's a fancy swivel seat that in another time and place would be quite comfortable. But how many naked bottoms have sat on it? I took to lining the whole chair with the cheap roll-down A4 size paper towel from the dispenser. Not very romantic, but still, I only had myself to impress. I put on what I thought would be the best dvd, after making sure the volume was down. I could hear staff from through the door, so the last thing I wanted was them hearing my choice of film. Then there's the pot they give you. It's quite hard to get it all in and not dribble it down the side. I somehow felt that was important. The lab person would surely want it all neat and tidy when it arrived down the little chute you have to put it in when you're done. Luckily for me, it was all a success. Thank God. Imagine if you couldn't do it! I wonder how long you could stay in there trying before they called the police. I even had to go back after the consultant told me I was welcome to keep stockpiling to give my future self the best possible chance of having children. That raised another question: is there a polite number of times you can keep turning up with that 'hi, I'd like to have a wank in your office' look in your eye? I settled on 3 times. They recognised me on the reception the 3rd time and called me by my name as I arrived. That was the final straw...

Apparently in some countries, the Sperm Banks are very well sign-posted:

For those people who find pornography a bit too extreme, but still need some subtle encouragement when in the unit, there is always the special edition of the very gentrified 'countdown' gameshow to help you along:

And for those of you who think that it is a sacred act that should only be performed in the bedroom or in front of your PC, here's an example to show you how far from the truth that is: